Thanks to the Beasters who entered last months prize competition. We asked you for suggestions to make chess more exciting, and these are the best of the entries we received...

"Make chess more exciting by following Dave and play naked"
Michael Stevenson
(Editor's Note: see "The Chess Nudist" in last month's edition)

"Now we all know that chess is dull. That's because we've sat there (sometimes for as long seven hours) playing it. What do we end up with at the end of it? Usually some stupid mistake ridden piece of junk! So what's the answer? Fischer hinted at it long ago. The reason why the Russians are so good is that they pre-arrange their games. That way they get what looks like nice exciting chess and they still get to pop off down the pub for 5 hours at a stretch or down to the restaurant to get served coffee by that gorgeous waitress who never buttons up her top properly."
Ian Davis

But the winner this month is 'MIRA', with a corking idea to spice up tournament chess...

"Introduction of the Chess Psychopath Rating System
(First Draft)

Too often the better chess player loses excitment/interest in a game because of the psychopathic behavior of the opponent. The Chess Psychopath Rating system (CPR) would, I believe, do much to enhance the interest of playing chess, if not necessarily make it more 'exciting.' CPR, or as it is more commonly referred, the 'CasPeR' (homophonically named for the individual--guess who-- who personifies the concept), works on the objective principle that if one is chess psychopathic the opponent will be able to know this beforehand by referring to the former's CasPeR; consequently, a player knowing his opponent is indeed a chess psychopath will be better prepared to deal with the consequent tantrums, abuse, and other minutiae of weirdness exhibited by said psychopathic opponent--or better yet, just decline playing. The CasPeR will greatly improve chess enjoyment and increase the excitement of playing for normal, well-adjusted individuals because the Disgust Factor (DF) and Tedium Factor (TF) of chess will be minimized.

This test can be easily conducted before each game to determine the emotional/psychological condition of each player. This testing procedure prior to actually playing would offset the Shocking Conduct Value (SCV) advantage chess psychopaths have because opponents would be ready for any psychopathic knucklehead antics.

The process, questions, and its evaluation are straightforward and easily understood by arbiters: a series of five questions are asked to each player; and an answer of 'yes' to any part of each question is 'worth' up to five points ; A total of 30-24 points means one is a really sad case, and an exciting game can only be had if you enjoy seeing a fellow human being get epileptically frothy-like or you don't mind having your computer hacked and terminated with viruses aplenty. A score of 17-23 indicates a sad case; any thought of an exciting game will be diminshed by the thought that this person may at any moment --in a very sudden move--leap up grab the board, and as you are still sitting, fling it across the room and accuse you of being a chess psychopath, or hack your server and erase your chess rating. A score of 13-16 means the person cheated on at least one of the other questions by answering 'no', and therefore, is probably the most psychopathic.This person should never be played under any circumstances; consequences include having your car trashed or being invited to join his/her buddy list. Finally, a score of 9-12 indicates a borderline nutcase, so caution should be exercised.

Here are the Tentative questions (CasPeR is a work in progress, suggestions accepted); an answer of yes to any part of each question is one point.

Questions

1.Do you consider yourself a middle-class(1) bigtime beer drinker (2) suburbanite (3) patriot(4) homophobe(5)? (14-15 points)

2.Do you consider yourself smart-clever(1)/well-educated(2)/intellectual(3)?
(6 points)

3.Do you get upset when you lose to a lower rated player (3)?

4. Do you go to chess tournaments/computer chess sites to meet someone of the opposite sex or same sex as the case may be? (3)

5. Do you think chess is more than just a game? (3)

In conclusion, I am tired of writing this because it nears the optimum Tedium Factor (TF) which I always reach when playing chess psychopaths."

Congratulations 'MIRA', the latest Kingpin magazine is yours.

Following last month's article on Dave Wolz, the chess nudist, I received 2 pieces of interesting feedback.

Cathy McGeough emailed to say she once streaked a tournament in Hilo, Hawaii, then got dressed and went back to play. She was also the tournament director!!

Then Matt Nemmers wrote to say that Dave Wolz had been banned from playing in a tournament in Lincoln, Nebraska because he refuses to wear shoes. Apparently, the site sponsors were demanding a large liability policy if Dave turned up barefoot.

Now I don't know about you, but I think this is a bit harsh. Ok, he might be odd, and not everyone would approve of what he gets up to in his spare time, but if he wants to turn up at a tournament with no shoes it's pretty much his business I'd say. Why not just ask him to sign a statement saying it's his fault if someone stands on his big toe and get on with it?!

What next? 'All players must arrive in full evening dress'?
If chess tournaments ban him, where can Dave drive to naked?
Maybe we should start a campaign?
If all the players in Dave's area start turning up barefoot, or naked even, then the tournament organisers will have to listen.
NO BAN FOR NAKED MAN!